The bottomless bottom.. to date.

It started around 15, my father was dying of cancer and I was going into high school that fall. He died one day, and everything changed. I drank a bunch the day of his wake and tried to have sex in my basement with Maria.
I got drunk and angry. I tried to roll a car over and got caught. I put my fist through a plate glass window and really cut my hand up badly and had to have a hospital stay. I broke my fingers with a baseball bat knocking mailboxes off their hinges. Numerous physical fights with my mom. I passed out in some strange slovenly mans house and he had my mom come pick me up. I broke my neck in boarding school at a keg party. I severed an artery in my finger at college trying to ring a fire alarm. I ended up in jail because Sam and I were in a middle school using the bathroom and he was steeling change. I got kicked out of school because of bad grades. I stole electronics in a drunken stupor and nearly got caught. I attempted suicked in Vermont and went away to rehab. I went to cooking school and nearly got thrown out and was sent to AA from destroying a vending machine.I moved to SF and ruined a relationship do to drinking and move do Denver over night with some gay guys that turned out to be a fucked up move. I ended up in a shitty basement apartment drunk all the time. I left and moved to NYC and got fired from my job for being hung over. I went to my first detox for cock and booze. I got hooked on heroine. years of in and out of AA in NYC and the Hamptons. Got fired form a job in hamptons for drinking  I ruined more relationships. I went to rehab. I went to another rehab. I moved to Florida and found some cock on the beach. I moved to mass with my GF. followed her to chapel hill. after rehab. I got drunk and rob some stores. relapsed in AA. Went to NYC to live with my brother and screwed things up royally and went to detox, was almost homeless, moved ot New Port and went to Rehab in Mass. Went to Rehab in Conn. Got charged with Heroine possession in Conn. Got charged with forging a script in New Port. Moved ot NYC, Stayed sober for 3.5 years. God drunk in LA and ended up getting hooked on Heroine again. Rehab for 3 months. Relapsed again in Hamptons out in Okland. I came back and relapsed and went to High watch for 30 days. I drank again and got sober for 5 years. I relapsed and got a DUI, and nearly another one a few months later. I moved out of my house. I got caught with Heroine and was in jail for a few days and then ended up gatting off, but getting fired because of it. I got sober again. and then relapsed again and nearly died of an OD and got robbed. I went to detox, a year later the same thing. and moved to an oxford house. Nearly lost my job, crashed my car on the way to cleveland nearly got a DUI. got out of it. broke my ribs and got  a black eye.and all this and then shared a needle with a friend that we found in a hotel room that may have given me HIV or Hep C or both . that is yet to be determined. I spent countless amounts of money or drinking and drugs. and hotels and women instead of my family. I have tried to kill myself a few times over this deep depression. Now I am facing jail over my 2nd DUI in VA in five years and a felony hit and run and like I said, possible huge health issues.  I will pray to God once more and put my nose to the stone and see if I can not get it this time. One day at a time. Please Help  me. 

Wash, Rinse and Repeat. ..

So, out to the bar scouting new pussy and getting hammered, wasted, lite up, bombed, stoned, wrecked, and how many other words to describe inebriation ...
Noun- drunkenness

Its the same as most other nights out, looking for her to fill the need, a new one, or an old one that fits well. You would think it would get super boring, these pattern of drunken sexual exploits? and it's not like I am the only one, right? I mean for every hook up, for ever 'one nighter', for every drunken fuck fest, there is someone on the other end..you know? I mean I am not doing this alone. There are guys like me all over the world on any given night or day doing the exact same things. It's what ledgonds are made of and where 'sluts' are born. 

The term 'slut' is unfair I think and one sided. I mean even if I call myself a man whore, it's not as derogatory as the word 'slut'. So, what if I girl is just like me in that she does the exact same thing? Is that so bad? Some how in my mind and in most of my buddies minds the answer is "YES" and it is yes for most of society. Even if I call myself a womenizer, there is some revelry to that, some success, in being a pickup artist, a stud. The thing is, I think it all has to do with the 'outy and inny' concept. Men enter or pitch and women receive or catch... catch the sperm. Now Sperm being a magical substance, that body fluid that can produce life, not like spit, is also perceived as being gross to some, or even many. So, the idea of a women having all this gross sperm swimming around inside them like some tropical fish tank is just too much to bare..and hence the term slut! So.. where is she. 

The reason why people draw lines in the sand and then cross them is the same reason why people get bored with the Cyclone at Coney Island, after a while, the rush is gone, so it's on to bigger and faster roller coasters. That is probably how all this crazy experimental sex came about; bondage, anal, role playing, multi-partner participation, swapping, MWM, and oh so many more choices. I have tied most, except for the pee and poop stuff which is just not my thing, and potentially hazardous to the health. 

I once was discussing that fact that I had bedded, well, not always a bed, over 300 people in my life and that there must be something drastically wrong with me and I needed to figure out why... and he said, "well, buddy, it is because it feels good". "why over complicate it"? Yes, Yes. all that is true, but, it takes so much effort to live that way, the juggling, the lying(specially if you have a significant other.) and the emptiness that does come when your alone, or with your thoughts, or when, inevitably your rejected. I was exhausted at times. 

So, where is she? 

I found her in a bar.. big shock. .she was around my age and very sexy. She'd been drinking all day and I had not. 

"hey, whats your name"? she says "Mary". I said, "you here for the rally/" and she said yes and went on about the rally and her political views. at that point I sad, "you want a drink? I am not really even listening to you." I smiled. and she laughed and said, "hey, that's my line". and it began. 

Save it till the morning after.

"Don't say a prayer for me now, save it till the morning after." I'm  the kid with the light eye's the wispy blonde hair moving through the crowd. Women noticing me because I am good looking and thin with a models body and I just don't give a shit. "immaculately disheveled ", was tagged with that once. The real reason girls liked guys like me, is because there was a challenge.. almost of a chemical nature. My focus most times was on getting numb, comfortably fucked up, stoned, high, try new things, new drugs, more drugs, drugs I liked and ones not tried yet. I love drinking too, always loved it, it was in my genetic code..well.. it still is.

Duran Duran was playing on the PA system at some bar called the " who the fuck knows", it was across the street from the Stud and down the street from hamburger Mary's in San Francisco.. I was working on a half a gram of cocaine in my snozola.. Do you know they say that women with big noses love sex more as its tied into the old factory sense of smell and its tied in with desire.case in point I have found that to be very true, in the same way that fat women give the best blow jobs... so I've been told.:)

There I was in this cub in SF and dancing on the top of this pool with Lexan over the top and plasic fishy's floating in the red hued water. It was an open air club. I sometimes wanted to be gay. it would have been easier. but, I just wasn't. However, I was a massive attack of a flirt and a player and a user and a leader on-er of both men and women. I even played a few dogs out there bed's and bones. It was a need I had to be loved, wanted and to get what I wanted.. Gary was there that night.."meow" firing canons filled with Milare over the crowd raining down like tiny snow flake mirrors on us all. I could see Debore on the top landing from Romeo Void with this white dress on and a cluster of bendy glow sticks hanging under her white shifon dress hanging from her panties. like some orb under her.
the cocktail waiters who I knew brings me a double stoli grayhound. "so, are you gay?" "no" I'm not gay, I'm Gregory " she says, "you know what I mean, I see you with Gary all the time". I gave her my head down dipped up look like James Dean might do and said."Maybe.. why don't you be my first?, bring me back, turn me out..:" I smiled. 

When boy meets girl.

There are going to be a lot of women in this story and evening and events lasting more then a few days and failed relationships and lions and tigers and fairy's along the path, and yet every path has a beginning, right? 


Mine probably started with the sears and roebuck catalog and progressed to Playboy and other less talented mag's like Oui., the French version of Playboy. Lust is installed young with all humans I am pretty sure. I am one of those people who see's sex in every thing and am always looking at life situations in a way that has that component in it.  


Anyway, the first time I had an orgasmic experience with Jerking off, it was not unlike my feeling with booze for the first time. As an aside, its funny how many phrases there are for the process of masturbation: Tossing the Dwabrf,Beating the Bishop, Choking the Chicken, beating the one-eyed stepchild, fondling the fireman, beating yoru meat, andFighting with Rodzill. There are a million other idims  

The Dance

I met my buddies downtown and we decided we would hang out near the package store, the name used for a place to buy booze, and see if would could get someone to buy some shit for us. My friends, friends older brother came by and we talked him into buying us some booze, blackberry brandy and some beers and cheap wine.

The feeling I got after downing the stuff was just amazing, in that cold New England fall I felt warm, and happy and without fear. I felt a sens of power I had never felt before and an understanding that everything was "okay' in my life.

So many illusions in life that masquerade as the truth and the truth was that at that point it was a never ending cascade of failings, from father to son and mother to child on how to live life correctly and fully without fear and a way to impart tools on how to live correctly. It's really no ones fault really as we all do what we know and the best we can do at that time. I;m not even going to go into my parenting, except to say, like many, they probably never should have had kids or married, but, then you would not have me to entertain you?

I got drunk and was unable to make the dance, laying by a grave spinning. One of the boy knocked over a tomb stone, on purpose I suspect and that made it into the paper as an unsolved mystery of vandalized property and desecration. 

So, the long journey and love affair had begun.....

I have often heard of expressions to answer questions on solving difficult life situations. I was at some coffee shop once, probably after an AA meeting had let out. It was a warm fall day and the leaves were falling slowly and full of a mix of the lovely fall colors of orange, yellow and browns. I was grappling with the idea that I club med was over for me, meaning, that I could no longer use weed, cocaine, any kind of opiate, and my most favorite and socially acceptable escape, booze to solve my problems and pains of daily living. I could no longer take the edge off when trying to meet women in clubs or pubs or  at the beach...etc etc etc.

And I heard the question, "how do you eat and elephant?", answer, "one bite at a time". and that made sense to me. Other phrases like, "one day at a time", "easy does it, but, do it" and "first things first" also have helped me along the way as well.

But, lets start at the beginning and see how this journey goes. I will tell you this straight off, so be warned. This is going to be gritty and honest and full of highs and lows, stars and bars, and exploits that are totally true and colored with shades of gray, as some of what I tell because of 'hear say" as I may have been there, but memory fails me, either do to age or being in and altered state.

I started drinking and taking drugs in a the town I grew up in, a place on the boarder or Vermont and New York state in Massachusetts. The town was all of about 9 thousand people with not one single person of color, which I always found to be odd, not that I am any other color but Irish white, but, its just seemed odd looking back. At one tine the place thrived from the textile mills and paper mills that ran in the Northeast, but, since the railways stopped running the industry moved to places like Savanna and regions to the south.

My father, a successful Criminal attorney was dying of pancreatic cancer, it was 1978 at the time and I was in 7th grade. We still drank water from the tap and came home when it was dark and we heard our mother calling in our neighborhood, and over the golf course near our house. I was in a tree house we had build the year before with a bunch of boys, one of which was from the wrong side of the tracks, not that either side was much better. He had some weed on him and asked if I wanted to "do a bowl".. I was afraid as I envisioned a whole bowl of cereal the size of my morning corn flakes.or something. Ha! he pulled out a small bowl and we smoked and it made me laugh and bond with my fellow smokers. We made a plan to meet up that weekend in the cemetery and drink some beers that Friday night before the dance.